June 2013
I can picture him so clearly. FAT, GLASSES, UGLY, GREASY. He was tired a lot. He used to tell me dirty jokes. I can’t remember them.
You never leave me; you’ll always haunt me, I will always see your face when I close my eyes. You will always be in my nightmares. You will never disappear. I will always remember you and what you did to me. You’ve made me who I am today.
I’ve kept lying to myself for so many years, pretending it didn’t happen, but it did.
I can’t tell my parents because I’m scared, they will look at me differently. I’m scared to tell anyone. It’s such a massive thing and I’m so scared.
I’m not sure I will ever tell my parents; I don’t think it’s fair. I’m dealing with it in my own way. I don’t want to tell them because it will make them feel like they should have known and make them sad. I can live without telling them, they don’t need to know.
17th April 2014
So today I had a call from this center for counselling. Turns out they can’t really help me as they specialize in people who have depression or anxiety. I didn’t think I had either of these but I think I do. They referred me to the place I contacted last year. The wait for counselling session is 4-5 months! That’s too long. I want to see someone now. Get it over with, no waiting, I’ve been waiting 12 years. I will call the helpline though, talk about it etc. be good to just talk about it with someone.
I am getting on with M really well. I am starting to do what I always do though which is shut them out, make excises, try to annoy them or make them jealous. I don’t know, I always do it.
I know it’s not rocket science but my relationships are always based on what happened. Not physically but definitely mentally and emotionally.
I always push people away. I don’t even know what I’ll achieve. I know what I’m doing too, but I can’t seem to help myself. It’s a way of making them run from me so. I want them to leave, it’s easier than facing the horrendousness of me.
These diary entries are from a long time ago and I have now overcome most of the hurdles. My parents now know and I was completely wrong about them looking at me differently, they look at me in the same way they always have. In fact, when I tell people about what happened to me, I never feel people look at me differently. I feel that they appreciate my honesty and are always willing to hear my story and listen.
Don't be afraid to speak up, there is so much support out there and they will listen to you and help you however you wish to proceed, whether that's telling your family or coming forward to the police.
Don't suffer in silence, don't suffer alone.
#childabuse #abuse #childhoodtrauma #blog #writer #sexualabuse #itsnotok #speakup #nomoreshame #dontbesilenced
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