The challenge you have as a victim never gets easier. You have to have the strength and courage and determination to label what happened to you as sexual abuse. It takes victims a long time to do that. Sexual assault comes with so much shame and embarrassment, along with the pain, hurt and the violation. For victims to talk about what happened to them is so hard and takes a safe space to come forward. Some don’t even do that. To recognise sexual abuse and what it is or what it was can be the hardest place to start.
The shame around sexual abuse never goes. For so many years I had so much shame around what happened to me. I felt guilt, disgust, hatred, I felt like a liar, a cheat, a horrid person for allowing him to do what he did and not stopping it or saying anything. I had so much confusion around how I felt, I didn’t know what to do for so many years. I buried it deep down and tried to forget. Tried to forget about him, about the consequences of his actions and what they had done to me. For the most part it worked, I could forget.
It was only until I started relationships with men, started experiencing what it was actually meant to be like, how you’re meant to feel. All these I felt at such a young age.
I found being around men hard and challenging, I had no trust, no love, no respect for them. I began to use them the way I thought men used woman, how he had used me. I began to loose respect for myself. I didn’t care about feelings or hurting them. My relationships with men were ruined and I had no idea how to stop it or how to begin to try.
Men have always posed a threat to me. I have never truly trusted them. I have always found it hard. Every relationship I have ever been in I found myself crazed with jealousy or wrapped up in lies or self-pity and at the end of it all I was always alone. I was throwing away great guys because of triggers to my abuse. At the time of these relationships I wasn’t aware of what I was doing. I was destroying my relationships because of my fear. The fear of being hurt and lied to, the fear of being mislead.
For a long time I believed what happened to me wasn’t a big deal. What he had done wasn’t as bad as what you hear on the news, or in stories, or movies. I was still here, I was still living. I was fine. It only came clear when I would hear people talking about events that were going on in the news, that I new I was not okay and I had to do something.
So many times in my life I’ve heard people share their opinions about how they would deal with situations if it happened to them. It’s easy to talk about in theory, but in real life it requires so much strength, bold authentic confidence to stand up for what happened to you. The percentage of woman and men who have experienced sexual abuse or assault that don’t come forward it astounding. Here are a few stats -
Key stats:
· 90% of sexually abused children were abused by someone they knew
· 31% of young women aged 18-24 report having experienced sexual abuse in childhood
· 1 in 5 women don’t come forward about being sexual assaulted
· Most women in the UK do not have access to a Rape Crisis Centre
· A third of people believe women who flirt are partially responsible for being raped.
· Conviction rates for rape are far lower than other crimes, with only 5.7% of reported rape cases ending in a conviction for the perpetrator
· Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men (aged 16 - 59) experience rape, attempted rape or sexual assault by penetration in England and Wales alone every year; that's roughly 11 of the most serious sexual offences (of adults alone) every hour.
I think people need to be aware of these statistics as its not known. Abuse isn‘t talked about enough. There is still such a huge amount of fear around bringing it up or talking about it. I know for a fact if it was a more talked about subject or if people understood it more I would have come forward much sooner than I did.
I am determined to make a stand for victims and to educate people young and old about abuse and assault and how to stop it. What the signs are but more importantly how to approach it.
Don’t be afraid to talk.
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